Tuesday, September 6, 2011

A Ball of Confusion

Wow, a whole month has gone by and I haven't posted anything.  Where did the time go?  I know exactly where it went.  It was wasted away beating myself up over things that I have done, and failed to do.  The miscarriage really did a number on my brain, I must admit.

While I would have sworn to you that my life was just fine the way it was, having conceived again makes me question if that's true.  On one hand, I was so amazed at having a positive pregnancy test.  I was in shock and awe that my surgery didn't just relieve my pain, but also allowed me to be open to new life again.  As time went by, it really hit me that I WAS PREGNANT.  It made the whole grief over having the tubal start to fade away.  I felt joyous.  Cautious, but exhilarated.  My husband was in shock.  I'm not sure he believed I would be able to get pregnant again.  I really think he was afraid.  After all, I had just had surgery three months before, and he was now considering that another pregnancy would result in another csection, and last time didn't go so well.

And then came the loss.  The loss was a sadness for both of us, but the aftermath was the complete opposite for each of us.  He felt as if it was meant to be.  I felt as if it was all my fault for having the tubal.  He felt relieved that now he didn't have to worry about his wife having another surgery.  He didn't have to worry about  something happening to me and having to raise four kids alone.  He felt like we could go back to life as it was.  I felt that life would never be the same.  I conceived.  I saw my baby on the monitor.  I saw a heartbeat.  It was a new life, that in my mind was supposed to be with us.  And it was gone.  Just like that, here and gone.  I was grateful it happened early.  But angered that I didn't have more time with my baby.  Mostly, I was angry with myself.  I felt as if my past actions caused this.  I not only damaged my body, but I had damaged my baby's chance at life.

My hubby does not want to try again.  I wish we would.  Just one last time.  I have some sense of hope.  We are NFP as birth control, and my hubby is not keeping track.  I won't lie to him if he asks where I am in my cycle, but at the same time, I'm not reminding him either.  I know that's bad, but I want to be fully open to new life if that is in God's plan for me.  I also don't want to make the love of my life unhappy, nor do I want to take away time and energy from my living children.  So, it makes me just one big ball on confusion.  In the meantime, I am doing what I can to prepare my body in case another pregnancy should occur.  Planning as if it is going to happen.

I will be glad when this emotional roller coaster comes to a stop.  One day grateful, one day sad, one day remorseful.  It seems to be getting better.  It has all been very confusing as a whole.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and honestly I wouldn't want to know.  It would spoil the surprise.  But I just have to have faith that there are good things in store for me.

Blessings to you all.