Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Remorse, Regret, and Release: Pregnancy Loss after Tubal Reversal

It is with a heavy heart that I write this entry.  Despite the fact that my hubby and I were using birth control, and despite the fact that we were done having kids, I found out in April that we conceived.  It was a surprise for both of us, as we had been very careful.  I kept saying to my hubby, "I don't understand.....how could this have happened?"  Well, of course, I know how it happened.  But I had been charting and knew when I ovulated.  And although I was shocked and surprised, I was also a little giddy.  This meant that my reversal surgery worked.  Really, worked. Wow.

The initial shock then turned into a scare as I was feeling some pain in my side and knew that ectopic pregnancy could be possible.  So off I went for blood tests and an ultrasound.  Tests showed hcg levels rising appropriately which led my gyno to believe that it was not a tubal pregnancy.  This was exciting until the ultrasound showed that the gestational sac was very small for the date.  She told me that she didn't think that this was a viable pregnancy.  I was disappointed.  I was to come back the following week for one more ultrasound and more blood work.  She was concerned that what we were seeing on the ultrasound was a pseudo sac and that there could possibly be something in one of the tubes.  She then reassured (sarcasm) me that women who get pregnant after a reversal almost never carry to term.  :(

The following week found increasing hcg levels and an ultrasound that showed everything perfect for a 6w1d pregnancy.  I was once again excited.

Unfortunately, two weeks later the ultrasound showed no growth.  I was told to wait for a miscarriage.  On June 8th, 2011, I lost my fifth pregnancy.  It hit me as a bigger loss than I expected.  I cried for days while my husband held me tightly in his arms, telling me that it wasn't meant to be.  I continue to carry such a feeling of remorse that I couldn't have maintained the pregnancy.  I felt like it was all my fault because I had the tubal ligation that messed with natures design of my body.  And even though I am repaired and feel so much better, I am obviously not well enough to have the hormones to maintain a pregnancy.  I know that this could have happened pre TL, when I was younger.  I know miscarriage is common.  I just have such a sense of regret for ever having the tubal ligation in the first place, that I have tied it together with the lost of this baby.  So, now I wait for relief.  I know that I will never "get over" this.  Time heals all wounds, but this baby, who lived under my heart for a short while will live in my heart forever.

So, going with my gut feeling that it was a boy, I have named him William Marshall.  Some people think that it is stupid to name a pregnancy that you only carried for 8 weeks.  But it makes me feel better to name him, and some how brings me a little sense of peace to call him by name instead of "the pregnancy".  I wasn't even given an ultrasound photo, but I took the above photo when I was told I would most likely miscarry.  I wanted at least one photo with him inside of me.

It is my hope that, with prayer, some of my pain will be released.  I don't know what the future will bring for me.  I assume that we will go back to saying we are done with building our family.  I now think of myself as a mom of 5.  I think it's fair to count him.  He was mine, after all.  And technically I did give birth to him, just way too early.  It is just very hard thing to go through emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  So, blessings to you all, and if you could say a little prayer for me too, it would be appreciated.